Life as we know it today

Life as we know it today can in an instant drastically change. The people going home from work in the last week, something they did like clockwork each day in their normal lives. Trucking along at a snail's pace in rush hour traffic trying to reach each one's destination. They didn't give it a split second thought, what condition the bridge was in, the weight limit, the last time it was inspected, it's age or anything of the sort. They blindly trusted that the bridge they traveled daily would carry them home as usual. On this day it would all change, in less than 10 seconds their lives suddenly and forever changed. Oh God, why do we as humans not have the ability to appreciate how precious life is, how precious our families are, how precious our church friends are, how precious the truth is, how precious unity, comraderie, and staying together when everything tells you differently? Why do we wait for tragedies, losses, separations, divisions, splits to happen before we realize how much someone means to us?

I read each day the gut wrenching pain, sorrow, and suffering that Kasey is experiencing and it's all too familiar. I listen to my sister Rhonda as she pours out her grief that has consumed her life. I remember like it was yesterday my own journey. When Charlie left in 1990 a part of me just died with his departure. Erika was 8, a Daddy's girl and a normal weighted child. Wendy was 15 and starting into her own set of challenges of teenage angst. We always went to Gatlinburg every year for vacation but for some reason that I didn't know at the time he didn't want to go with us. We came home on Sunday and no Charlie, not one belonging and no note or explanation. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach and knocked the air from my soul. I went into the depths of depression. I lost 40 lbs in less than 3 months, Erika gained 40 lbs and Wendy almost hated her Dad. Erika cried hysterically daily for a while. My Mom, my sister took over caring for my children when I couldn't funtion from grief. It was to say the least a nightmare beyond description. It was only by God's grace and mercy that we came through that without more damage than we did. I didn't handle it well at all, so neither did my children. Charlie told me reasons he left that he had never said in almost 16 years of marriage. Talk about communication problems, that would be an understatement.

Fast forward 12 plus years, our life was in crisis again. Things in our family were a great source of sorrow for Charlie. He became so much more distant than normal and angry too. I just didn't know what to do anymore. I was so tired of the roller coaster. He became someone I didn't recognize anymore. Erika became afraid of her Dad, not that he would ever hurt her, but for me. I wasn't afraid, but it was so hard for me to have Erika be afraid for me. I decided I just didn't have the emotional fortitude to deal with it anymore and decided to leave to sort through some things. I really thought Charlie wouldn't even care, but he did. We talked it over and over and within one week I decided I believed things would be different. The details of having my name removed from the company checking, up and moving the company, washing his own clothes after 25 years of me doing it, voice activated recorders and all kinds of bazaar behavior I truly felt like we had finally been able to put some things behind us. There were things said between us that needed to be said 12 years earlier. Apologies made and love rekindled that was different than ever before in our 27 years of marriage. Then 4 months later I knew in my gut something was up, but didn't know until I went outside on a Saturday morning to go to the grocery store, one of my many normal life things and just like the people on the bridge I discovered my world was fixing to collapse. Charlie was moving electrical inventory onto a trailer and I said what are you doing? Logical question huh? He said moving it to Roy's (our General Contractor) and I said what are you going to do with the storage building and he said I am moving it to my mother's. Well here goes the kick in the gut again. My initial response was to run inside and scream and cry my heart out, but instead instinct kicked in and I got in my car, drove to Kroger and talked the Lord. I said Oh God not again. You see I truly felt in my heart of hearts that Charlie would never ever again leave and put our marriage, our children, our grandchildren through the trauma of a broken home. Boy was I wrong. I began a journey that I still travel today. Could I begin to tell you all the gory details of loss and grief and losing everything that was your life. No way I can. I have said I was already doing what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. That all changed in a moment. My life as I knew it has never been the same. My children have suffered, my grandchildren have suffered, I have suffered and whether Charlie would ever say it with his lips he has suffered too. For 2 years I couldn't hardly put one foot in front of the other, but with God's sustaining power I did just that. Losing my home was devastating. Caetie said there are allot of memories here. It was the longest residence in my immediate family. The homestead for my children and grandchildren to come home to for holiday traditions. I have felt like a gypsy on the run many times. I felt like I lived out of a suitcase most of the time. Life does have a way of settling you down to accept things you cannot control. It takes time and trust in God. It takes prayer, fasting and travailing. I love the Lord and I appreciate his love and care through all this. He is a present help in time of trouble. He has given me a strength I didn't know I possessed. He has given me gentleness where I didn't know I needed it. He has given me patience I didn't have. He has given me peace, joy, contentment when everything I loved was taken from me. I know that this life is temporal and the love for my family has grown deeper, the love for my friends has been enriched, the love for God is more secure, the love for the truth is still there. The respect and admiration of my children is a treasure that money or things can never replace. I have handled this loss completely different than the previous one and it's only because God is the God of all power and he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him. I trust him with my heart, my soul, my life. I trust him with my family. I trust him with Charlie's soul. I have prayed and so have so many others through the years and I know God is going to take care of it all whatever the future holds. In the midst of the worst thing that could possibly happen to you, God is still God and he is in control of my life as long as I allow him that control.